One-Way Conversation

Chris appeared from nowhere.

“Hi,” he said. “Mind telling me a little about your RV?”

I was outside putting a new battery in my Motor Home.

I was playing my favorite Swing Dance Playlist on my iPhone with my earbuds in. Loudly. Fully enjoying myself.

I didn’t see or hear him coming.

He was very close to me before he spoke.

He scared the crap out of me.

I jumped and spun around.

“Sorry,” he said. “I’m Chris.” He stuck his hand out to shake.

“Dexter,” I said.

He had a solid handshake. Good eye contact.

“I didn’t mean to startle you,” he said, “but I’m looking around this beautiful RV Park. I want to get out of my condo. Maybe get an RV or something…not exactly sure. What do you think?”

This guy, Chris, was a complete stranger to me.

I’d never seen him before.

Never met him.

Chris’s Temperament

Yet, I knew right off the bat he was a Red Choleric. Actually, I figured a combo of Red Choleric with Blue Sanguine.  The Choleric part was dominant. About 80% to 20% or somewhere around that range.

I didn’t have time to answer his question. He went on with hardly a breath.

“When I got home from work on Tuesday,” he said, “I found out my wife had left me. And, she took the kids.

“I couldn’t believe it. We have three kids, six, three, and one. We’d had some problems in our marriage like everyone. But not bad. Nothing serious. At least I didn’t think so.”

“Sorry to hear that,” I said. I started to turn around and get back to my battery project.

This guy wanted to vent. Or whine. Or something.

I wanted to get my battery in.

“Yeah,” he said. My turning away from him didn’t deter him at all from going on with his story. That’s not surprising. It’s typical behavior of both Red Cholerics and Blue Sanguines.

“And, she’s filed some papers or something saying I hit the kids. There’s a Restraining Order.

“Can you believe it? I never hit the kids. I spanked them a few times when they were naughty. Not hard or anything. Just to make a point. But, I never really hit them or abused them or anything like that. Or her either.

“And then boom! I come home. She’s gone. All her stuff is gone. The kids are gone. She took the kids. No note. No warning. No nothing…”

And On And On…

If you just take Chris’s words from the last three or four paragraphs and repeat them for the next half hour or so, you’ll pretty much have our whole “conversation.”

I wasn’t exactly rude.  (It wouldn’t have mattered anyway since he’s dominantly a Red Choleric.  It’s virtually impossible to be “rude” to Cholerics.  They really don’t care what you think or what you think of them.  They have their agenda and that’s all that matters.) 

However, I really didn’t want to involve myself in this conversation or his marital problems. 

I still had my earbuds in.

He repeated the “I didn’t hit the kids” line five or six times at least.  Read into that what you will.

Then, suddenly and unexpectedly, Chris finally got my attention.    

Unbeknownst to him, he brought up Temperaments.

Temperaments And Marriages – The Lead-Up

These are Chris’s exact words:

“I don’t get what happened. 
She changed so much since I married her.”

I whipped around, shut off my Playlist, and yanked my earbuds out.

“No,”  I said.  “No.  She didn’t change at all.”

He got defensive.  Cholerics don’t like to be challenged.  They believe they’re always right.  Anyone who disagrees is wrong.   

“Yes,” he said.  “She’s changed a lot. 

“She used to be so sweet to me.  We had so much fun together.  But things started changing slowly.  Now, with the three kids and all, it’s just like she never has any time for me.  She’s not interested in me.  We don’t have much in common anymore.  We hardly ever do anything together.  She’s changed.  I’m telling you.  She’s changed a lot.”

“No.  You’re wrong,” I said.  “People don’t ever change fundamentally.   Superficially, sure.  Fundamentally, no.”

“You don’t even know her,” he said. “What are you talking about?  You can’t know if she changed or not.”

“I know her better than you do,” I said.  “And, you’re right.  I’ve never even met her.  But, I guarantee I know her better than you do.”

Temperaments And Marriages – The Challenge

“I’ll tell you what,” I said. “If you want me to tell you the truth about her, I will. It’s up to you.”

He was a little bewildered.

He was skeptical.

He was a peeved that I was being so presumptuous. And, telling him he was wrong right to his face.

“Yeah, sure,” he said. “Go ahead. Tell me about her.”

It was a challenge.

 

“First,” I said, “the problem isn’t that she changed over the years.

“The problem is that she’s stayed exactly the same over the years. 

“The problem is that you didn’t know and understand her well enough before you got married. In fact, that’s one of the biggest problems in relationships. It leads to unrealistic expectations. It messes up all sorts of relationships – including marriages.

“Here’s how she was when you got married. She’s still this way.

“She’s sweet. Very gentle. Rather quiet. Hates arguments. Avoids conflict.

“Everyone loves her. And, she loves everyone. She gets along with everybody. Doesn’t make waves. Not too excited about many things. Low key. Content with the way things are. Makes do.”

He was starting to nod his head in agreement.

“She loves to take care of the kids. She loves to help and take care of other people, too. She’s a natural caregiver.

“She was born that way. It’s in her DNA. When she was growing up, she discovered that it was natural and easy for her to avoid all trouble. She preferred that to taking a chance of getting into trouble. And, it worked for her. It was natural for her. And, she liked it. So she’s not adventurous at all. Loves the status quo.

“You’re fast paced and make quick decisions. She’s the opposite. She’s slow paced. That bugs you sometimes. She’s patient. You’re impatient. The result is a certain amount of tension and conflict.”

More nodding. Jaw starting to relax.

“Unlike you, she has a hard time making decisions. She doesn’t want to take on any unnecessary responsibility. Even as simple as what to make for dinner. She lets you make the decisions. Sometimes that bugs you.

“She sees life through emotional lenses. You don’t get that at all. Or accept it. Or respect it. You look at life from a factual point of view…the opposite of her.”

“Whoa,” Chris interrupted.  “I never thought of all that.  It’s like…I don’t know…it sounds right, though.  “How do you know all that?”

“Hold on a second,” I said. “I’ll get to that. But, there’s something else that’s important. Remember I said she has a hard time making decisions?”

He nodded.

“Imagine how hard it was for her to make the biggest decision of her life… to leave you and take the kids. That’s huge.

“There are two parts of her Temperament or nature that led her to that.

“First, her nature is to hide from and avoid facing problems.

“You confront problems head on and try to solve them. She’ll deny problems exist if she can. She doesn’t like to talk about them for fear of confrontations, conflicts, and arguments. And, if they don’t go away on their own, she’ll run from them.

“And, she did.  She ran.

“But, even with all that, there’s one more important piece to the puzzle.

“I guarantee she didn’t make the decision to leave you and take the kids all on her own. I’m guessing her mother, father, or family… or maybe a sister or close friends…had a lot of influence on her decision to leave. Someone gave her a lot of encouragement and support.

“And, I bet your wife is staying with a close friend or family member close by. Do you know where she is?”

“Yeah,” he said. “I found out she’s staying with her mom and dad at their place. It’s here in town.”

Then he said, “But how do you know all this. The way you said it, I get it. I mean about her not changing. Now that you laid it all out like, I think you’re right.   She was always the way you said. And, she still is, I guess.  She really didn’t change, did she? 

“But, how did you know? How do you know?”

I said, “It’s what I do. I’m an expert and authority on Temperaments…this kind of stuff I’m telling you. A lot of people call me ‘The Temperament Guy.’

“Your Temperament is part of your DNA. Everyone knows that each person’s DNA is unique. So is each person’s Temperament. It’s your Life’s Blueprint.

“I know her Temperament.  It’s what I call ‘Yellow Phlegmatic.’ It’s clear to me from the few things you told me about her. Yours is ‘Red Choleric.’  I know that from talking with you.  The rest of the story tells itself…if you know the Temperaments as well as I do.”

“You said ‘it’s what I do.’ What do you mean by that.”

“It’s my passion. It’s my business. I’ve been doing it over 30 years. I help people solve their Life’s Challenges and All Manner of Problems. All based on an understanding their Temperaments.

“While I’m working with them to solve their immediate problems and situations, I’m also teaching them about the Temperaments.

“Then, they can use that knowledge to help with their future Life’s Challenges and Problems on their own.”

Chris said, “Do you have a credit card machine? Or, do you take checks? Or, I can go get cash if you want. Can you help me? What should I do? I’ll pay you.”

This wasn’t a huge surprise. Both Red Cholerics and Blue Sanguines (Chris’s Temperament blend) make instant decisions.

“No,” I said. “I mean, yes, there are all kinds of ways I can help you.

“But, you’re really asking me if I can save your marriage. Help you get her and the kids back. The answer to that is no.

“It could only work if you get your wife to agree to let me work with both of you together. It wouldn’t do any good if it was only you. And, it wouldn’t do any good if she wasn’t 100% committed to it.

“Plus, since you said there are already “papers” involved, I’m guessing she has a lawyer. Her lawyer would never agree to let me work with you guys.

“Plus, even if her attorney agreed and even if she was willing, I couldn’t save your marriage anyway.

“I could teach you how to better understand each other. It would have been nice if someone helped you with that before you got married.

“Here’s what happened.

“You loved lots of things about her. But, there were some (or many) things that you didn’t think were perfect. Like her slow pace. Perhaps her indecisiveness. Or, you thought she was a little ‘too nice.’

“However, you believed, either consciously or subconsciously, that you could ‘fix’ those things. Then you envisioned her and your marriage as it would be after you’d made all the fixes. In your mind, that’s how it was going to be.

“Your fixing things didn’t work (and it never does) though. So rather than admit that you couldn’t ‘fix’ it, you rationalized that she changed. That was a handy and tidy explanation.

“The truth is, though, that she didn’t change. All she did is NOT change in the ways you wanted her to. In the ways you’d envisioned that she would.

“Since it didn’t turn out the way you’d imagined and envisioned it, you turned it around in your own mind so you could believe she’d changed.  That gives you a simple explanation of blame, responsibility, and fault.

“See what I mean?”

“That’s amazing,” Chris said. “I totally get what you’re saying.”

“This is a pretty common scenario,” I said.

“If I could work with you guys together, I’d show you how to communicate better. And, help you do it. You don’t even speak the same language right now. You speak fact. She speaks emotion.

“I’d help you become more accepting and respectful of each other. It’s important to understand each other’s DNA, Temperament, and nature. They don’t change. They’re hardwired into you.

“With that under your belts, you’d have some important tools to save your own marriage if you both wanted to.”

He went on and on about how he’d get her to come to a meeting with the three of us.  Being a Red Choleric, he wanted to convince me (and himself) he was still in charge.  He’d make her come to a meeting, by golly.  

The Bottom Line…
Knowing And Using The Temperaments Is Empowering…
You Can Do It…
You Can Use It

Chris and I exchanged phone numbers.

I wish I could tell you that Chris and his wife patched things up and are living happily ever after.

The truth is that I haven’t heard from him since the “she took the kids” conversation. I didn’t expect I’d hear from him. I doubt I ever will.

I wish Chris and his wife and their children well. I’m sorry I couldn’t help them. The circumstances weren’t right.

By the way, this sort of thing happens to me all the time with all sorts of problems, in all areas of life, and in all manner of situations and circumstances.   

I hope you can see the value and power of knowing and understanding the Temperaments.

Plus, I hope you get how important it is for you to incorporate the Power and Science of Temperaments into your own life.

A perfect place to start is to take our free Temperament / Personality Test if you haven’t yet. Including your Detailed Profile. Click Here.

Also, email me if you have any questions about any of this or want to talk about it.  (Dexter@BeTheNakedYou.com)

Finally, email me if you’re facing your own Life’s Challenges or Problems. I’m happy to give you some insight, input, and guidance.

Best…

Dexter

More Info:

For a little different look at how important understanding your own Temperament is, Check Out This Article, “Do You Love Yourself Unconditionally?  Do You Want To?”

To get more insight on how the various Temperaments might irritate or get along better with each other, Click Here for “How To Change Irritating People Into Endearing People.”